I shied away from opportunities to concretely externalize the ruminations of my inner world for years. My thinking appeals to me in its elusiveness. Laying the mind bare however, risks my being exposed as far less magnificent than I would like to think. It’s not a tangible risk, because the cost of not putting myself to the test would be far more disastrous than any other potential shortcoming could ever be.
I have always wondered when I would start to feel like an adult — if there would ever be a distinct feeling. I have made it and I am now an adult, rooted solid into the world. I hoped it would come with a certain distinctive quality of experience lacking in chaotic eruptions. If that is what it means to be adult, I will still have long ways to go.
I can however say that this is the first year where I could feel myself starting to turn into an adult. Turning 20 recently aligns with the larger theme of entering adulthood. I am more confrontative than ever and made it a point to be honest and upfront whenever I can be, no matter the results.
No longer a bystander with certain treasures of insight stored in my head, I am more aligned as I put myself out into the open and act on said insights. Although these insights are not always clear, rather forming a gut feeling inside of me.
The Fine Line
I am in full control of releasing these ideas and living them out but I make many mistakes during this process, which is fine because it means I always have the opportunity to do the right thing, whatever it is in that context.
I cannot remember a single time in my life where I have been truly blindsided. I know deep down what I must do, what I ought to do, then I repress it and forget about it. I go along fine for a while, but eventually the consequences catch up to me. It’s bittersweet, knowing every issue in my life I could have dissolved earlier had I been more courageous in listening to myself.
Truly empowering, now that I am starting to consciously realize that each of these were fully within my grasp, therefore my responsibility. I have dreaded the realization and pushed it back for a long time, but eventually I could no longer keep it below the surface.
A Central Axiom
Make no mistake, I do truly believe I have accessed a paramount axiom of life now. But I have also just turned twenty and have zero knowledge how much of my current world view will survive until I am 25, let alone into my thirties and across a lifetime.
There is a chance that I will still hold onto this axiom when I am in my forties.
There is also a chance that I will have entirely abandoned it in its current form, either transcending it through adjusting basal premises and how I interact with them, or fully let go of it altogether. I doubt it, but who am I to know?
After all, becoming who you are is fundamentally a paradox.
I know who I am, who I have been since childhood, and that will never change – yet I may be a completely different person in a decade.
The Burden of Ignorance
I know truly nothing, because I am young, and to be young is to be ignorant and clueless – yet I cannot accept this premise too much because growing up requires me to fearlessly channel the spirit of youth, to fully stake myself on whatever my current beliefs and instincts may be, so that they shall be sharpened and die off if unfit.
Older adults keep telling me what I can do, what I will do in life. I want to laugh in their faces and show them how pathetic their existences are to me, how I will go beyond any of the limitations they must have subjected themselves to in order to justify their pathetic experiences – yet from one day to the other suddenly I may have shifted my perspective to now match theirs.
To not respect elderly wisdom would be arrogant. But to never dismiss them would be cowardly. Balance, as always, is key. On its own this is a useless platitude, given that the challenge will always be figuring out where to draw the line to achieve the desired balance.
I must get more comfortable with making mistakes along the journey, for it is the only possible reason for why I am so hesitant in expressing myself in a lasting medium.
Writing will reflect my evolution as a human being but also as a writer. A few themes will stick out as core templates on the current path. I will fight the urge to repress expression due to a fear or repeating myself and exposing a lack of depth. Whatever I will share, it is a part of me. No matter how flattering or embarrassing, through writing a person’s substance is captured, and that is what it is worth for. As far as it concerns me, writing immortalizes a part of myself. To myself, to my friends, to everyone who cares to read.